Think I might behave today

I was reading a quote from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity while reading Psalm 139. He was talking about human behavior. I will try to rephrase what I read, but will share his exact words when I get hands on the book again tonight. How we react to provocation whether intentional or not reflects who we really are. If I snap and abuse the deliberate or accidental perpetrator in a snap of our fingers, that is what I am, a very angry person. If I react in patience and not the least provoked, that's what I am.

So the question for me today is, what sort of a person am I? I often joked when there is a realization by somebody that I am Christian and I would always say, "Yes, I am a Christian. Do I look like one?" I may not be a worthy bearer of God's glory, for it's heavy, but thank God that His grace is sufficient for me, to empower me take up the cross. Have I lifted it high with a face of humility or indignation? Have the light shined on the other side of glory? What others see in me will not be far from the truth because that is what they see. Do I like what they see?

Monday Meditations

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed" (Job 1:21)

I am reading Christian George's amazing Christ-honoring book "Sex, Sushi and Salvation" again. He commented that the theme of the book of Job is to help us in "developing a view of God as the Creator who sovereignly works His will even through pain and suffering.

I have always pride myself in being the CCC (Cool, calm and collected) of our marriage, but those who knows be best seems to think it's more CFC (Contemptuous, Forgetful and Complacent) than CCC. I think that other people's assessment of me is accurate because they see my actions and words, they are louder than my convictions. Here within me lies the problem which I have hinted or outrightly stated in this old blog time and again over the past 4 years. While the Word of God was written in my heart, the heart have hardened to stone. I "see" the conviction in this stone, but it's cold; I do not feel it; it is dead.

Yesterday I went to G2 for the morning service. Thank God for SW for allowing me to have some "God-time" on my own. As the worship session progressed, I felt the Holy Spirit slowly melting my heart and made the Words in my heart alive again. This morning I decided to bring the "Sex book" (that's what I call it) and let wherever the last bookmarked pages speak to me and it was the chapter describing what Job went through.

The application of the verse and the commentary by Christian George is this, in my struggle to grasp the uncertainty of Chia Ee's future, there must be total trust in God who will sovereignly take care of him when we are gone. Right now it is our duty to bring him up, to teach him, play with him, provide for him the best that we possibly can. That we through our struggle with that uncertainty will lean on the everlasting arm of God; totally surrendering and totally trusting Him to guide us and to succeed for the boy when we are gone. There is a bitter-sweet comfort in the discomfort of all these struggles that only a heart of flesh- a heart that is alive- finds in Christ. So mysterious, yet so revealing to our hearts of faith. There is peace in the midst of the tears; there is power in the midst of our weakness.

I am so weak, dear God, yet I will trust in You. Thank You for your assurance. amen

Climbing mountains

I feel like I am climbing a mountain with a gentle slop. I keep climbing but do not know when to stop to take a rest or a piss. This makes me edgy at certain times and I feel that I am losing myself to the cycle that I have brought upon myself. Now that the production of the new season of "The Pupil" is underway, I am finding lots of time, ironically, to think about my life once again. Yes, I may be busy, but this time round, I have an intern of is also my boom operator. The time spent out of the main set and away from the cramp office space (where the most funny moments happens incidentally), gives me space to think as I wait for the next scene or shot. We are already in our sixth day of production and I am trying to make much of the time I have to rethink; re-evaluate and to revive my soul to be alive again before we move out of the office set and begin the tiring and treacherous reality of filming in non-controlled environments; before the heat and the fatigue gets to me and render me useless, ordinary or just going through the motions. I don't want to live that way. I don't want to live that way...

Let's see what shall become of me in the days to come...