I can't stand myself

Last week was a lesson in humility. What a great lesson it was. It all started with a phone call by a producer who insisted that I use an assistant that he had hired. At first I had to qualms with that suggestion. In fact I welcome it because I believe in giving people a chance to "try it out". So the producer suggested that I touch base with the assistant which I duly did. Actually he called me first. I was friendly, he sounded confident and we exchanged pleasantries and things like that. He told me that he is actually a audio post guy and he mixed one of the programmes I where I was the location sound mixer. He said, "I hope u're not offended, but one of the scene is noisy..." and gave me a lecture on the difference between sound for TV and sound for the big screen. I was quick to give my reasons why I allowed the scene to carry on despite the bad ambience on the location. After we hung up, I thought that was a bad introduction for someone who wants to be my assistant for the shoot. After a while I felt angry because someone questioned my professionalism. If you were with me that day, you can feel it in my silence. When Jenno gets angry, the whole world wonders "what pissed him off".

Did I respond to the criticisim the right way? I did some self-reflection and thought that I was too slow to listen and too quick to anger. Guess where this negative attitude comes from? It comes from my prayerlessness; my reliance on my feeble strength and abilities; my desire for success more than I desire God; my lust for money. I have made my job my idol. I failed to manage my anger because I have not been managing my personal walk with Christ. My mouth still talk about Him, my ears listen to Christian music most of the time, but my heart had strayed away. I was broken. Would I have reacted the way I did 10 years ago? No, people remembered me as cool, calm and collected. I was when I was right with Christ. But lately, that "right" had taken a left, mixed with humanism, I am a whreck!!!

I've been screaming silently in prayer "God save me from myself!" Oh, the story of Jesus and the "rich young ruler" flutters it's wings over my head. Will I be willing to let go? Will I be willing to obey? Will I be sincere when I say "To God be the Glory"? I can't stand myself! I want to be right with Christ again soon before I get swept away by the flood of pride.