July 4th

Josh celebrated his 5th birthday with no fanfare but in pain and suffering. he got infected with FHM disease (Foot, Hand and Mouth and yes, easier to remember than HFM). I wanted to find a replacement for that day, but everyone is busy, so I had to work through that day which was a 15hr day. I reached home a round 10pm to wails of agony as the pain from ulcer on the tip for his tongue while he slept. I didn't see him the whole of yesterday as I had another 15hr day. Today was more bearable because the call time is 9am and I had a short but sweet moment with my little boy.

I am gaining strength from the material I am reading and the sermons that I re-visited. Another source of encouragement was Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty Will Rise". As he share about his experience in his family's tragedy, I find similarity in my own, albeit I didn't experience the death of someone. The common theme that edified me most is knowing that I Heaven, every imperfection will be made perfect.

I really want to have a chat with Chia Ee and if possible before we meet I Heaven. As I read and hear about Children "snapping" out of it or "improved over time", I do pray for that. I wish to see with my mortal eyes the joy that his Momma long to experience; I want to hear with my mortal ears his sweet voice. These I pray and so much more, but what matters most for now is
this - not our will, but thine be done.

The lessons that I am learning from this ordeal has totally transformed our lives. I wondered if we would have sought the Lord like Hannah did if we were blessed like most of our friends? This is a faithful saying, "I hate the agony that we must go through, but what a blessing!". What I am going through is just the surface of what Job went through, yet my soul constantly cries out, "Lord, Blessed be Your Name" in the midst of the tiredness and uncertainty (unsure yet sure: Unsure what the future on earth holds for everyone, but sure that God is in control). Somehow I am transported to the time when my joy and delight in Christ were at it's highest in my youth. Back then there were no worries like we have today, but today I am experiencing that joy and delight in the midst of agony which makes is really special.

Sweeter than honey made by the bees
God's love dispels the bitterness bottled in me
I have asked for a perfect life but all I've got wasnot what I asked
But it's all good

At the moment when tragedy struck
It's easy to point the finger or pass the buck
I didn't buckle under the pressure
But I did ask, "God was it You?"

When times are good, it is easy to trust and do all that I learned in Sunday School
But I prayed, "Oh God, it's time like this that I must learn all the more to trust You"

"I will
Even though I don't understand
My God, I will trust You" (wrote this paragraph while "I will trust You" was playing on my iPad. The lyrics to the chorus of the song. So timely!)

Selah