Broken Apology II

Samantha thought that the lyrics she wrote were too "generic", but it stirked a chord in my heart. It's been almost two weeks since I started listening to the demo she sent me. It's still so relavent to me today. I am still praying the same late apology. It might sound like I am always defeated, but I am not. I am just being cautious about the condition of my heart. I have shared earlier about the impending break from the youth ministry. What had sustained me is my constant reading (almost constant, but not consistent) . Yesterday before I left home for work, I was looking for a book to keep me company for yesteday's shoot. However i couldn't find any (I was at my in-law's place). I left the place feeling a bit disappointed because I badly need some uplifting in my spirits.

Now I am at my own house at Senja and listening to "Broken Apology" again and I found myself singing the song as a prayer again. I've trusted in books and knowledge and have not found time to pray and to be "still" before God. I feel very very lopsided now and I know I was wrong in finding solace somewhere else. I am not saying that what I am reading are bad or wrong. They are good and everyone should find time to feast their souls on them. But I realised I didn't do it in prayer. The bible says that we ought to pray at all times in our spirit and this will help us stay alert in living a Christ-glorifying life. It'll be a shame if I can teach well but fail to rest in the presence of the Lord.

It's the glory of God that has been my motivation in being a leader in R-age. Being in ministry motivated me to stay alert. This is not a good motivation because the centre of our focus is never the ministry, but Christ. I owe the Lord an apology for putting my focus on doing things rather than on Him. I really want to make Christ the motivation for doing what I do - for living this life. If I live by the former motivation, what will happen if I stop serving? The ministry is not forever, but Christ is. If the ministry is not forever and I place my motivation on it, I will not last forever. However if my focus is in Christ, who is forever, I will last forever.

If I stop serving in any ministry in church, I still have this minsitry which is even greater than anything I've done - being a father. My dad shared with me one of this words of wisdom about 6 years ago and it's the only extra-biblical advice I keep in my heart. He said,

"No amount of success can compensate for the failure in the family"

Today I may be measured by the success of the youths I had the previlege of serving, but soon I'll be measured by the way I run the household. I may fail in many things, but if I fail at home, I fail in all things. That is why I pray the words of this song. I have to get my life back together again. I have to find my time to be with the Lord in prayer and in reading my Bible and meditating on the Words. Other Christian books are good, but if I don't first pray and read the bible, I fail else where as well. This is a call for discipline and balance. I don't want to lean too far to the left or to the right. I want to be balanced, I want to be right where the Lord wants me to be. For now, I know what I need to do and do it quickly I will. It's been quite a journey so far. I know what I need do do, it's time to do it now.

Oh I pray and I do pray and pray with all my being that Lord, You'll will keep me forever in all life's endaevour. It's here that I belong in my family in the cover of You, my King!

You let me walk away
Though you've tried a thousand many times
Like a love that's unrequited i did not reply
And if i died tonighti'd still awake in your arms

You let me walk away
Though it pierces your heart
And i've run so far so many times
I'm stained with your blood
And all of my thoughts just keep tearing us apart


So i'm singing this late apology
And i pray that You'll not take your sweet presence from me
Oh Jesus redeemer, my King and my Saviour
My precious constant faithful Friend
No matter what life brings
But i keep singing the same apology
And i pray that you'll not take Your sweet presence from me
Oh keep me forever, in all life's endeavours
It's here that i belong, with You my King

Though i've come so far thought my battles are already won
But the road's just got rockier
I'm back to square one
I never learn my lessons well
And i'm always searching for something else


So i'm singing this late apology
And i pray that You'll not take your sweet presence from me
Oh Jesus redeemer, my King and my Saviour
My precious constant faithful Friend
No matter what life brings
But i keep singing the same apology
And i pray that you'll not take Your sweet presence from me
Oh keep me forever, in all life's endeavours
It's here that i belong, with You my King

Now let the flood gates open...