Grave Concerns (Work & Conduct)

I hung out with Alvin the day before and I was greatly humbled by somethings that he shared, but man, did they shook me up!

It was brought to my attention (by Alvin and confirmed by Jason as I sought his advice) that I've been "under-cutting" other people's market as a location soundman. Some rumoured that I did it to solicit more business for my own gain. So I asked around and found out that it's not true. I thought what I charged was the "market" rate. It's a case of ignorance rather than arrogance. I really don't wanna offend my fellow soundman in Singapore, especially when most of them are people that I highly respect. I gave Jason a call last night and just shared how I felt upon hearing it. Of course I was affected emotionally, but only for a while. I always try to live in peace with everyone as much as I can, but sometimes mistake happens. I guess I've always been strong in such trials and it's good to go thru it and come out of it as a stronger person.

The problem above is more of a "physical" one. While chatting with Alvin how argumentative and defensive I've become. Instead of turning the other cheek for others to slap (aka going the extra mile for an adversary), I took and eye for an eye. It's actually an "I" for and "I", for every is about the "ego". I knew that if I am not careful about my conduct at work, it will deteriorate. I am at the edge of stumbling. If my youths see me at work, I'll be ashamed of myself for losing my testimony coz others can see that I am putting on a show at different places. I like to think that I'm a truthful person. Now that is scary! If I am what I am at work (the dark side), at home (where the good and bad collides) and at church (loving God and having a form of spirituality), does that make me a hypocrite? Does that mean I am serving "two masters"?

"Romans VII"by Keith Green keep replaying in my mind:

The very things I hate I end of doing

The things I want to do I just don't do

Lord it seems so sad, why am I so bad?

When in my heart I only be like You...

Lord how I know your tender heart must be broken,
By all those unkept promises I've made,
The question still prevails, please take away the doubt,
About how you forgive, and still you live inside when I fail

This is a time of conviction. I am convicted. The verdict is out. The heart is tainted. The brain is splattered. The ego is deflated. I rather become nothing now "to lose what I cannot keep to gain what I cannot lose".

Here I am

In that old place again

Down on my face again

Crying out

I want You to hear my plea

Come down and rescue me...

... Come to me, rescue me, fall on me with Your love...