When I First Trusted You

Well, I thought I depended upon You. At least that used to be what was happening with me. In those times of our first sweet communion, nothing got in Your way. I heard Your voice everyday when I trusted You. Gave my life to You. When I trusted You.

Well, there's something that needs to be cleared up. I feel so sorry inside that my first love has died. Cause I've tried in my own strength to follow. When I've known all along, I just couldn't go wrong, if I'd only trusted You. Gave my life to You. When I trusted You.

Keith Green

This is a reflection of my prayer to God this morning. Everysince I returned from EA, I've not been faithful. I kept trying to find that atmosphere to have my quiet time, but the more I search for one, the more frustrated I become. The more frustrated I become the more disillusioned I become. This was evident in my temperament and my attitude towards others. SW was right when she said I have a "tzo bo" attitude. I was slacking so much that I didn't even clean the house when I am home for two afternoons last week. I must admit, the past 7 days since I returned were all wasted days. They were wasted not because I wasn't working. They were wasted because I simply did nothing but slack. While taking a rest is nothing wrong, but I know I was doing nothing worthwhile. I wasn't reading as must as I wanted to, I wasn't praying as must as I wanted to and I wasn't faithful as much as I wanted.

The cares and the worries of this world really overtaken me to the brink of total defeat. I found a little comfort last Saturday at Sonic Festival, but it didn't satisfy my longing to be satisfied. I know that I'll be most satisfied if God is most glorified in me, but what a wretched man I am! I wasn't even glorifying God in thought or action! I just let my mind wander and lose sight of my goal. Then yesterday I met an old FSV mate and he was telling me how busy he was and for the first time in years I felt envious. If there weren't many people at Jurong Point, I'd have broken down in repentance at the escalator where that thought came to my mind. Where was the trust that I have always talked about; the trust that God will provide for the righteous. I never doubted the blood of Jesus that has covered me, but at that moment of carelessness, I allowed the cares and worries of this world blind me from the purpose I am created for (i.e. to glorify and to enjoy Him forever). How can I rejoice and thank God for His forgiveness when I am living in sin (as some Christians are saying today, thus taking away the need to ask for forgiveness after salvation. They believe that Christians asking God for forgiveness are doubting His grace)? How hypocritical am I if I am living in sin and yet rejoicing in Him? The Holy Spirit always points us to our sin first. It's when I began to get rid of the sin in my life which I thought were gone, then I began to taste victory again. How God hates sin! How the Holy Spirit convicts us to repent and renew our minds everytime we sin! That is grace! God could just let us go, but His grace is so great and vast that He will never let those who bear His name shame His name!

Now that's what it means when they say "Perseverance of the saints". God is indeed able to keep us from falling, those who are truly born-again. We may sin, but we will never again live in sin, but when we do fall, we get back up and the power of the Spirit of God will continue to change us. We get closer to the grave with each passing day, but with each step closer to the grave, I feel more of the evidence of God's grace over me for without the Holy Spirit, I am not even able to live a holy life. The opposite of this is also true. If we are not living in Christ, one step closer to the grave means a step closer to the fires of hell. But God can snatch out of that path! God can do it and God has called some of us to persuade others to walk the narrow road.

Fill me now with confidence to walk closer to You

I can never make it through if You didn't lead the way

For You O Lord are my only hope