Making much of what I have

I've been in deep thought. I have not make much of my time to do what I want to do. It's really such a struggle as Paul wrote in Romans 7. Yet I know I mustn't give up, but I want to give up! I want to stop hearing the lies and just escape somewhere where I have a reason not to do what I really want to do. It's so easy to escape from my reality, but I know I'll have a lifetime of regrets.

So what am I doing to my life right now? Is it a wasted life? Some thinks so because their focus is on tangible things. I am not doing the "usual" thing such as working everyday just like any body else. I am not like anybody else, but this cause some difficulty for me as a married man. But God is good, SW has been gracious, but how long can I live in this state? If you ask me what I really want to do, I tell u I don't know. I mean I have a plan, but it's so easy to conform to the patterns of this world. How can I be transformed by the Word if the pull of this world seems so strong? The Word of God is powerful, I do not doubt it at all. I guess I could only pray...

Prayer is so powerful, I wonder why I have not spent time in prayer. I've been doing things, but I have not been praying. If I die today and God showed me that I didn't fulfill my fullest potential, it's most probably in my lack of prayer. I feel so strongly that I lack in this area. I am messing myself up by relying on my own understanding in all things pertaining to my life and the faith. How long can I sustain without prayer? How long can I sustain without agonising over my pathetic life. Why did I try to organize my life when I ought to agonize over it?

Yes! I am not organize because I do not agonize! I must submit to the Lord now. All my lack of self-control is evident. I am losing grip of my destiny. I give up running my life now. I totally give up. I am going to kill my old self today and put on Christ. I am so tired of building sandcastle in the air. Lord, please now, once again, reign in me.